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Paul David Tripp, What Did You Expect?? God is using the difficulties of the here and now to transform you, that is, to rescue you from you. And because he loves you, he will willingly interrupt or compromise your momentary happiness in order to accomplish one more step in the process of rescue and transformation, which he is unshakably committed to (22).
If you minimize the heart struggle that both of you have carried into your marriage, here’s what will happen: you will tend to turn moments of ministry into moments of anger. . . . Often, in these God-given moments of ministry, rather than serving God’s purpose we get angry because somehow our spouse is in the way of what we want. . . . [T]he reason we turn moments of ministry into moments of anger is that we tend to personalize what is not personal.
[W]hen you personalize what is not personal you tend to be adversarial in your response. When that happens, what motivates you is not the spiritual need in your spouse that God has revealed but your spouse’s offense against you, your schedule, your peace, etc. So your response is not a “for him [or her]” response but an “against him [or her]” response.
[W]e settle for quick situational solutions that do not get to the heart of the matter. Rather than searching for ways to help, we tell the other to get a grip, we attempt to threaten them into silence, or we get angry and turn a moment of weakness into a major confrontation (23-24).
Dave Harvey, When Sinners Say “I Do”Mercy is a unique, marvelous, exceptional word. God’s mercy means his kindness, patience, and forgiveness toward us. It is his compassionate willingness to suffer for and with sinners for their ultimate good (79).
Do you know God as a God of mercy? Do you see your spouse as God sees him or her—through the eyes of mercy?
If your answer to either question is no, it is unlikely that your marriage is sweet. Mercy sweetens marriage. Where it is absent, two people flog one another over everything from failure to fix the faucet to phone bills. But where it is present, marriage grows sweeter and more delightful, even in the face of challenges, setbacks, and the persistent effects of our remaining sin (80).
Aaron OrendorffFather, as you are merciful, so I pray that I too would be merciful.
Give me, I ask, a profound and heartfelt sense of your own tender, redeeming mercy that by experiencing mercy I may become merciful.
Sweeten my marriage with mercy, make me merciful toward my wife: soft, forgiving, patient, willing to “bear with” whatever petty grievances and personal offenses I might face (to bear with them in silence without bitterness or record-keeping) for her good and ultimately for her beauty.
Dave Harvey, When Sinners Say “I Do”[Forgiveness] releases the person who sinned from the liability of suffering punishment for that sin. To open this valve, the one sinned against must lay down the temptation to say along with the unforgiving servant, “Pay what you owe!”
[Forgiveness] requires the willingness of the one sinned against to absorb the cost of the sin. You received emotional pain over what she did. Will the pain end with you or will you return it? You endured a blow to your trust because of what he’s done over a period of time. Will your heart attempt to force him to pay what he owes? Or will you follow the footsteps of the master and demonstrate a willingness to absorb the cost?
[The trouble is] we fear God’s methods don’t work. The biblical response—the idea of completely, forthrightly, and permanently forgiving a spouse and releasing him or her from all liability—can seem not only impossibly difficult but less than fully just (107).
True forgiveness sees another’s sin for the evil that it is, addresses it, then absorbs the cost of that sin by the power of God’s abundant grace (108).
Dave Harvey, When Sinners Say “I Do”Notice that Luke 6 is not a call to discrete acts of mercy, but something much broader—to a merciful disposition of the heart, to lovingkindness. Dwelling in the heart, lovingkindness preempts our sinful judgments. God doesn’t just dispense mercy. He is merciful (Luke 6:36).
Such kindness expressed to us makes a claim upon us: We are called to continue in the kindness we have received (Romans 11:22). We don’t wait to be sinned against and then try to respond with mercy. Rather, we adopt the posture of being willing to experience sin against us as part of building a God-glorifying marriage in a fallen world. Kindness says to our spouse, “I know you are a sinner like me and you will sin against me, just like sin against you. But I refuse to live defensively with you. I’m going to live leaning in your direction with a merciful posture that your sin and weakness cannot erase” (84-5).
Dave Harvey, When Sinners Say “I Do”Progress comes when we slip our theology into gear and find out what it can do. Let me offer four roads you can practice on. I’m confident if you can drive on these roads, you can get about anywhere you need to go in your marriage (63-75).
First: In humility, suspect yourself first.
Second: In integrity, inspect yourself [i.e., get the log out of your own eye].
Third: Admit that circumstances only reveal existing sin [they never cause it].
Fourth: Focus on undeserved grace, not unmet needs.
1 Timothy 1:15-16The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life.
Dave Harvey, When Sinners Say “I Do”This ongoing need for the Savior is exactly what professing Christians must hang on to. The cross makes a stunning statement about husbands and wives: we are sinners and our only hope is grace. Without a clear awareness of sin, we will evaluate our conflicts outside of the biblical story—the finished work of Jesus Christ on the cross—thus eliminating any basis for true understanding, true reconciliation, or true change. Without the gospel of our crucified and risen Savior our marriages slide toward superficiality. We begin to make limp justifications for our sinful behavior, and our marriage conflicts end, at best, in uneasy, partial, negotiated settlements.
But once I find 1 Timothy 1:15-16 trustworthy—once I can embrace it with full acceptance—once I know that I am indeed the worst of sinners, then my spouse is no longer my biggest problem: I am. And when I find myself walking in the shoes of the worst of sinners, I will make every effort to grant my spouse the same lavish grace that God has granted me (40-1).
Aaron OrendorffAll this week Amanda and I are on vacation at the Oregon Coast (well, not all this week, we’ll be checking out on Thursday . . . maybe Friday, if we decide to stay an extra night). The reason? Monday the 10th was our 8-year anniversary. Plus I finally have a job that gives me vacation pay!
While away, we brought two books with us (four books actually, we’re still learning to share): When Sinners Say “I Do” by Dave Harvey and Sex, Romance and the Glory of God by C. J. Mahaney. Great titles, I know.
We read and talk through the first two chapters of Harvey’s book yesterday and today and I thought I’d share a few of his thoughts.
Dave Harvey,
When Sinners Say “I Do”What we believe about God determines the quality of our marriage (20).
It’s a wonderful, freeing thing to realize that the durability and quality of your marriage is not ultimately based on the strength of your commitment to your marriage. Rather, it’s based on something completely apart from your marriage: God’s truth; truth we find plain and clear on the pages of Scripture (23).
[Marriage] exists for [God] more than it exists for you and me and our spouses. . . . God is the most important person in a marriage. Marriage is for our good, but it is first for God’s glory (25).
What if you abandoned the idea that the problems and weaknesses in your marriage are caused by a lack of information, dedication, or communication? What if you saw your problems as they truly are: caused by a war within your own heart? (29).
[C]ould it be that God already knows you are a sinners, yet gives you everything you need to build a thriving marriage anyway? God is completely, totally, enthusiastically supportive of your every effort to build a strong, God-glorifying marriage. He wants us to delight in marriage. He wants to make it strong, make it stick, and make it sweet (32).
Matthew 19:10-12The disciples said to him, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” But he said to them, “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.”
Tom Wright, Matthew for Everyone (Vol. 2)The rampant individualism of the last few hundred years in the West has left families, and children, in bad shape, as people act on the belief that they have, as individuals, a “right to happiness” which overrides all considerations of loyalty, keeping vows, and the duty to bring up lovingly the children one has brought into the world.
Nobody—certainly not Jesus—ever said that following him and finding God’s kingdom-way in these matters would be easy. But nobody should imagine that it’s just an optional extra. As Jesus comes closer to Jerusalem, and to his own astonishing act of self-denial and self-sacrifice, we should take note that the call to follow him extends to the most personal and intimate details of our lives (47).
A. Orendorff
In light of what Jesus has said just a few verses earlier about chopping off your hands and gouging out your eyes, it is tempting to paraphrase Matthew 19:20, “If getting married causes you to sin, cut off your you-know-what.” Jesus’ point, of course, is that we must allow nothing to trump our kingdom loyalty. He is not denigrating marriage; if anything he is elevating it. The fidelity demanded by marriage is the closest thing to kingdom-fidelity this world has to offer. This means, however, that just as we must be willing to lose our hands and eyes if they become sources for sin, so too Jesus’ radical demand to “take up your cross” extends to the intimate space create by marriage itself.
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